Why men cheat on their wives?

Catch a cheating spouse.

We interview a cheating husband, Roy, a successful professional man in his late 40s.

Question: Roy, how long have you been married and is this your first marriage?

Roy: I have been married for 15 years. This is my second marriage.

Question: Did your first marriage end because of your cheating?

Roy: No. My wife and I drifted apart. We lost interest in each other. I was married to her for three years. I was unfaithful for about six months in the middle of our marriage, but I am sure my wife did not know about it.

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Question: How often have you been unfaithful in your second marriage?

Roy: I was completely faithful for the first two years. In the 12 or 13 years since then, I have been with four women other than my wife.

Question: Were they long term relationships?

Roy: Some were, some weren't. I had a brief, intense fling with a married woman that lasted about two months. She felt very guilty and returned to her husband. Then I had a two-year affair with a married businesswoman. That ended because her husband found out and it became messy. At the moment, I am seeing two women other than my wife. I have been with one of them for five years and the other one for eight years.

Question: Do these recent two women know about each other? Do they know you are married? How old are they by the way?

Roy: They don't know about each other, but they know I am married. One of them knows my wife very well. We are family friends. One is 51, a year or so older than me. The other is 39.

Question: Does your wife suspect you are unfaithful?

Roy: I hope not. I am very careful.

Question: How is your relationship with your wife?/p>

Roy: Like most people who have lived together more than a decade, our marriage has its ups and downs.

Question: Why are you unfaithful?

Roy: Why does a dog bark? I don't spend a lot of time analyzing it. It's part of who I am.

Question: Does your infidelity require a lot of planning?

Roy: If you don't want your spouse to find out, it requires meticulous planning. There's always an element of risk, which is part of the thrill I guess, but yes, I am very careful.

Question: Tell us about the care involved?

Roy: I never phone from home, I never receive calls at home. My lovers are not needy like that. There's no jealousy. I delete all cellphone calls when I make or receive them. I use a pay-as-you-go phone, so there are no records. I don't use my credit cards for the affairs/ I make sure I don't accept gifts, I don't make notes, don't keep a diary. I make sure I am not seen in public with my lovers, I delete all emails as soon as they are sent or arrive, I have difficult passwords, those kinds of things.

Question: What is the pleasure in having to go through all this subterfuge? Don't you feel you are betraying your wife?

Roy: There's not much pleasure in the subterfuge itself. The pleasure is having a physical relationship with few strings attached.

Question: Some say that these small trials of marriage, as you put it, are what make a marriage strong.

Roy: I am sure there are people that think that, just as there are people with no urge to be unfaithful. That's not me.

Question: You don't seem very guilty about this.

Roy: The rules of society and marriage say that I am wrong and that I should feel very guilty. But I don't. I would feel very bad if my wife found out and was hurt. If that happened and she wanted a divorce, I would accept the consequences. I don't do this because I don't love my wife. I am happily married.

Question: Would you be able to stop your infidelity? Would you consider counseling?

Roy: I probably could not stop. I would not try counseling or medication to change my behavior.

Question: What about your children? Do you consider their feelings if they found out?

Roy: They're all old enough to survive if the bad news comes out. I have no kids with my current wife. My children are from my first wife and two kids from an unmarried relationship I had in my 20s. I wouldn't be proud of myself for hurting my children. I try to be a good dad. Anyhow, my youngest is 19 now; he's old enough to understand and deal with it.

Question: How would you feel if you found out your wife was doing this?

Roy: As long as she was careful like I am, I wouldn't be too bothered. I don't think we can get all we need from one person. I certainly can't. If my wife needs a lover, that's her business.

Question: You would not want to leave her?

Roy: No, that would be hypocritical. I would want her to be cautious and careful about who she is sleeping with.

Question: If your wife found out and begged you to stop in order to save your marriage, what would you do?

Roy: I guess I would promise to stop. I'd try to stop too. I could probably behave myself for a year or so, then I'd probably meet someone and the pattern would continue.

Question: Thank you, Roy, for being so open with us.

Roy: You're welcome.

By Brad Benson

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